My best friend at my work is Finula. She is a gorgeous and brilliant woman of Indian descent and manages our largest mental health program. She is also a troublemaker. This is probably why I like her so much.

Two buildings down from us is an enormous “religious” center whose name rhymes with Shyontology (I won’t use their real name because I hear they like to sue people). This center has been the butt of much office humor and is also the reason we don’t put a sign out in the front of our building announcing psychiatric services. As you probably know, the Shyontologists do not care for psychiatrists, medication or any form of mental health treatment. I read a book about them once (not Dryanetics, a recent, critical book) and I have been taking walks past their building ever since in the hopes of helping someone escape.

Ever since Finula started working at Satellite she has been obsessed with infiltrating the Shyontology organization. About a year ago we had a blackout and got the nerve to go visit the Shyontologists under the pretense of seeing if they were blacked out too. But we only stepped into the lobby that time. Today we got the full tour.

We actually filled out forms and used fake names and they showed us a bunch of ridiculous videos about how difficult life is and how you need your personality assessed so that you can worship aliens. Okay, they didn’t really sell the alien thing to us but there was something about thetas. I don’t know what they said though because I was too busy checking for the exits. We found the back door and walked past dozens of books and videos for sale. I wish we could have grabbed them all and run for it because they looked awesome: “The DSM Scam,” “Psychiatric Medication Con Game,” and so on and so forth.

It was terrifying. We should have agreed on code words in advance. Instead, Finula whispered “Walk!” and we casually strolled away. I was sure they were going to throw nets over our heads and lock us in the basement.

Finula wants to go back and get our personalities tested but I told her I was out. The only reason she got me to go in today was because I was having a rough day and needed a break. But I told her if I ever have a really terrible day she may be able to talk me into it.

I now have sufficient motivation to not have any truly terrible days.


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