My Safety Pin Dunce Cap

“Lean into your discomfort.”

I read the phrase this morning in an article urging white people to do more than wear a safety pin. The phrase was used as part of an argument for us to get outside our comfort zone by talking to people of color and delving into the media, opinions and art of marginalized people.

But how do I lean into my discomfort when it feels like the back of my neck has been seized by a populace accepting of a racist, sexist, xenophobe and my head forced  into a toilet?

Like so many white people, I always thought of myself as a helpful ally of people of color. Over the last eighteen months it has become increasingly clear that I have been unaware, cowardly and lazy. I realized that while my ideals may be more aligned with people of color, I will never fully understand their suffering because my background is so different and, yes, privileged. I will never label myself as “woke” because every time I think I get it – what it’s like to be marginalized – I am once again made aware of how truly clueless I am.

Case in point: Safety Pins. I know, you’re probably sick of hearing about this but it’s a prime representation of the willingness of white liberals to give the least amount of effort to improve the world (because god forbid we actually change how we live or have a confrontation). When I first heard people were wearing safety pins to identify themselves as “safe” to those who feeling harassed and scared I was totally, 100% on board. I found a pin, stuck it on my backpack and waited for someone to see it and nod their head at me conspiratorially. It was like a game: I was a part of a secret society of revolutionaries who were going to change this country and the terrifying direction we’re headed in. I wanted a damn safety pin tattoo!

While I had no intention of stopping with safety pins and sitting on my laurels, congratulating myself on my bravery, it at least felt like I was doing something, albeit the smallest, most useless thing I could possibly do.

Now I’ve read several articles and listened to the opinions of a variety of people, I’m embarrassed about leaping on the safety pin bandwagon without looking at it from a different viewpoint. Is wearing a safety pin harmful? No. But it is typical of the sort of thing white liberals do when we think we’re being helpful. Remember #oscarssowhite? The industry’s response was to pair black presenters with white presenters. Ugh. No apologies, no discussion, no pledges to do better from now on.

While talking to a Latina colleague this morning she noted that many of her white friends were more visibly upset than her friends of color. I thought about it for a minute and then said: “Maybe it’s because this is just another day in this fucked up country for people of color but for white folks on the left we suddenly feel very unsafe… It’s just occurring to us that we could lose many of the rights we thought could never be taken away from us.” Basically, our comfy lifestyle that we’ve gotten used to could come crashing down around us.

Personally, this election has made me fear for my job, my health and the welfare of the planet. I have a daughter and I feel like I’ve failed her. I’m so fearful of the future she will be growing up in.

In my more zen moments I think of this as the ebb and flow of the world. No nation lasts forever. Sometimes we can’t move forward until we have moved back. Very, very far back.

But I fancy myself a person of action. I have spent the morning folding leaflets reminding others they are not alone. I have donated to the ACLU and Planned Parenthood. I’m signing petitions. I’m writing, writing, writing so my voice can be heard.

I will never stop fighting.

Yes, It’s probably because of the happy life I’ve been privileged to lead so far, but I will always have hope that with enough effort we can change this world for the better. After a(nother) good cry of course.

And I will continue to wear that safety pin. Not so much as a message to others but as a reminder to myself that I will never be able to do enough or empathize enough.


Patriotic Political Correctness

I’m considering forcing my employees to wear American flag pins and say the pledge of allegiance every morning. Apparently employers are allowed to do that now. Oh wait, nope, it’s only in sports where you’re not only expected to bend to societal pressure to enthusiastically worship a flag but you will be publicly excoriated if you do not do so.

Fuck that shit.

Image result for colin kaepernick protest

I’ve never been particularly patriotic. Even at a young age I was aware of the many problems in our country. As I become better read, I have developed more respect for the philosophy that created this country but I know that this democracy has a lot of work to do before we fulfill the promise of this nation. I  will always remain leery of mandatory, unquestioning patriotism. That’s the stuff of totalitarian states like North Korea and I will take a pass.

All throughout my school years I felt resistant to saying the pledge of allegiance. It seemed like a form of idol worship to me. I would stand with everyone else but not repeat the words. In response to the curious I would just say: “I can’t. I’m Jewish.” And they would nod knowingly and go back to what they were doing. I have no idea what they thought being Jewish had to do with the pledge but it was easier to tell them that than to have a half-formed ideological argument.

I was completely repulsed by the Star Spangled Banner after learning that it was written by a slave owner. There are actually four verses to this little ditty, one of which includes these lovely lines:

No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave

It’s open to interpretation what he’s trying to say here but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t advocating the freeing of any slaves. And why does a “hireling” need refuge from terror anyway? Jeez.

Recently, my daughter learned to sing the Star Spangled Banner at her preschool and I feel uneasy about it. It’s cute to see her shouting it at the top of her lungs and give a very forceful salute but I can’t help but feel like she’s being indoctrinated. I’m planning a lot of talks about this, among many other things, as she grows. It’s fine if she’s more patriotic than me, there is certainly a great deal to love about this country. I just don’t want her to go about it blindly.

Throughout history, athletes who have openly protested the United States, like Muhammad Ali, Tommie Smith and John Carlos (the men of the 1968 Olympics black power salute) were lambasted and accused of everything from being disrespectful to being communists. But they have proven themselves to be on the right side of history and I believe Colin Kaepernick will be as well. Frankly, it’s the first time I’ve had much respect for him.

People of color have been laying down their lives for this country from the beginning but have not been treated with the same respect as their white counterparts. They are still not. That is what Kaepernick’s protest is about and we lose sight of this when we make the issue about patriotism instead of the deaths and mistreatment due to racism.

I don’t want to move to Canada.

I’m terrified. I feel like I’m going to have an ulcer by the time this election is over.

At this moment, the majority of people likely to vote in this country would prefer a narcissistic salesman with no concept of how the government works to a woman who has actual political experience.

That seems to be the main concern voters have with Hillary – she is part of the establishment. Nothing epitomizes people’s disgust with the establishment more than the the political diarrhea Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s emails spewed on Bernie Sanders. The emails confirmed his supporters belief that the election system is rigged and it’s hard to argue with them.

These weren’t Hillary Clinton’s emails but it will be assumed she was complicit in the attacks. After all: emails = Clinton. amiright? No, of course I’m not. But why should truth matter?

Under normal circumstances (i.e. a rational, qualified Republican candidate), I would understand the many Sanders supporters who refuse to vote for Clinton. But this is not a normal election year. This election is completely and totally bonkers. And the future of this country and this world is at stake.

In 2000 I voted for Ralph Nader because I believed there was no difference between Democrats and Republicans. Boy was I wrong. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret my vote.

I understand the anti-establishment sentiment but let’s not throw experience completely out the window. The baby and the bathwater so to speak. Remember when California voted Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor? He promised to fix everything too. He did not. Things sucked until Jerry Brown, a career politician, became governor. He knew how to use his political experience to make real, positive changes in the state.

Will Hillary Clinton be able to do that? I don’t know. I hope so.

People call her a liar and she certainly has been somewhat less than honest about a few things. But I’ll tell you this: I’d rather have a competent liar in office than an incompetent, bottom-feeding blowhard. 

And here’s what I like best about Hillary Clinton: She won’t make the planet explode. I can’t say that about the Republican nominee.

My husband’s family is from Canada and we’ve jokingly talked about moving there if things go badly here in November. But I don’t actually want to move. First of all, I hate the cold. Secondly, I like it right where we are. Perhaps I might consider a move to New Zealand though… I’m sure the politics are not divided there at all.

Deal With It for President

I have returned! No, I don’t have an excuse for being gone so long. I just was. So there.

Anyway, this election is CRAZY! I’m actually waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks because I’m so afraid our next president is going to be… Wait, no, this isn’t the post where I talk about who I want to be president and who I really, really, really, really x infinity do NOT want to be president.

No, this post is about something else. It’s related but it’s not candidate-specific and I believe it absolutely needs to be said. Okay, here goes:

You don’t get to decide who the next president is going to be.

I mean, yeah, you get to vote and all that – but that’s it. And just because you and all of your friends support someone – it doesn’t mean the majority of the country agrees with you. They might vote for someone else. And you have to deal with it.

In fact, you could very well be in the minority every single time there is an election. And you know what happens then? Nada. You have no say in the matter at that point. Democracy has spoken and even though you are disappointed by it, it doesn’t mean it’s broken.

The political pendulum swings back and forth and will continue to do so. Probably for eternity. We’ve all had plenty of disappointments in politics. It sucks. In fact, it hurts in a very personal way. You think that the rest of the country is a huge, ignorant disappointment. And sometimes they truly are. But humanity keeps trudging along.

So, no matter who is elected in November, please save me your Not My President memes and threats to move to Canada. If you are that upset, work on education and activism (or even write a blog) and maybe the next election will go your way. But be prepared, progress happens slowly. As Martin Luther King said:

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”

I have to believe this.

I explain things to rapists

Today’s line of thought is inspired by the book Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit. I bought this book thinking it would be a somewhat lighthearted series of recollections of men explaining to women about their bodies and life experiences. It started with a couple of those stories then quickly went into page after page of stories about men abusing, raping and crushing the spirits of women around the world. You know, kind of a downer.

Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit:

But one of the stories that stuck in my craw was the response to college rape. At one campus where women had been sexually assaulted by an unknown male perpetrator the university responded by telling women to stay inside at night or, if you must go out, don’t go alone. Men were not addressed at all, despite the perpetrator being a male. When somebody asked why men were not required to stay indoors at night the response was outrage: “That would be limiting their freedom of movement!” Well, what the fuck do you think you’re doing when you tell when to stay indoors or only go out in pairs. We like freedom too.

So, I took the liberty of writing the speech I would like to hear a University president give the next time a woman is raped at their school. Which is, of course, every. single. day. So here goes:

“It galls me to stand here and tell you that in response to another sexual assault on our campus I need to address our female students and tell them to not go out at night alone, don’t get too drunk at parties, don’t leave your drink unattended, don’t dress in too-revealing clothing, etc. etc. However, if I do not say this the press, your parents and the community at large would think I was being remiss in my duties as guardian of your well-being. So there, consider it said. Now I can say what really needs to be said to men: Don’t rape women. Don’t assume that a short skirt or tight pants mean she wants it. Don’t have sex with a woman even if she’s unconscious or too drunk to say no. Basically, don’t stick your penis in her vagina (or anywhere else) if she hasn’t given you a clear ‘yes.’ Otherwise, you are a rapist and will be for the rest of your life.”

I can’t decide if the president should say “Any questions?” after this or if they should just drop the mic.

My dystopian hierarchy

The Handmaids Tail - Read this so so long ago, can't remember anything except that it was worthwhile.  Need to read again.

I recently finished reading Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and holy crap. This book frightened and disturbed me more than anything Stephen King has ever written.

It is the tale of a dystopian future, but instead of everyone being split up into factions or sectors and fighting for their lives they went and enslaved all the women. You’re either a wife, a Martha (cook, maid, etc.), a handmaiden, a whore or they ship you off to clean up toxic waste. Or they kill you. The subject of this story is a Handmaiden (duh) and she’s not a badass and she doesn’t have psychic abilities. She’s just an ordinary woman whose daughter and husband were ripped away from her and now she is a vessel for breeding.

Fuck that shit. I would take any other dystopian future over this one. Give me ape overlords and zombies, I don’t care. But enslavement with no hope of seeing my loved ones again? Death first motherfuckers!

It’s scary because there are too many countries around the world who oppress women or anyone else they dislike. It wasn’t even that long ago that we had slaves in this country. All throughout history we see examples of enslavement, genocide, oppression, etc. We’re not evolved enough for me to rest easy.

The most horrifying thing about this book was that the new order of things was recent. She remembered having a life similar to ours where she worked, voted, shopped with her own money, had control over her own body…

Margaret Atwood is a genius and I just bought tickets to meet her at an event in October. I’m not sure if I’m going to gush all over her or tell her she gave me nightmares. Maybe I’ll just give her the list below of my dystopia hierarchy.

Dystopias in order of preference (with the most preferred future at the top):

  1. The Firefly Universe (remember, Earth couldn’t be inhabited any more)
  2. Isaac Asimov’s Foundation Series (stupid humans done gone and blowed the Earth up, but the rest of the Universe was pretty cool)
  3. Panem (The Hunger Games)
  4. Divergent U.S.
  5. Planet of the Apes
  6. Maze Runner
  7. The Giver (I haven’t read this but I needed to make this list an even 10)
  8. The Walking Dead
  9. Rapture
  10. Gilead (The Handmaid’s Tale)

I haven’t read or seen every dystopian fiction so I realize there are many missing from this list. But I think it conveys the general idea. What does your list look like?

News of the Week – August 21, 2015

I frequently alternate between being obsessed and disgusted by the news. I am currently feeling disgusted with it and will not be posting any links. But here is a summary of what went down this week:

Donald Trump continues to be a disgusting racist racist sprinkled with a large dose of misogyny.

Ashley Madison users are dumb.

Hilary Clinton is her own worst enemy.

Jared Fogle WTF?!!

The drought is never going to end thanks to the Blob.

There are mutant treatment-resistant lice out there waiting for my daughter to start school.

Jimmy Carter is accepting his diagnosis more maturely than I ever could.


Let’s see, what else… Oh yeah, SOMEONE WAS MURDERED IN MY OFFICE BUILDING!!! At some point I’ll go into more detail about this but, to summarize – shit is scary and stuff.

Have a great weekend y’all!

News of the Week – August 14, 2015

Guaranteed Kardashian free!

White men with guns amass in Ferguson – I’ve read some interesting conversations regarding this group. On the one hand, if a group of black men showed up at a protest armed to the teeth you can be certain they would be immediately harrassed and arrested by the police. On the other hand, I’m hearing that the police were behaving themselves better around them. I’m not sure where this will end up in the final narrative.

A Nazi-Inmate Romance novel was actually written and published – When I first saw this story floating around I thought, “eh, it could have happened.” But Oh. My. G-d. It’s SO much worse than I could have imagined. You know why? Because I am not capable of imagining something so awful. Oh yeah, it was also nominated for an award.

And now Anne Rice is defending the above novel: Oh Anne, Anne, Anne…

Kiran Gandhi ran the London Marathon while bleeding freely (not using feminine hygiene products) – Whether you think it’s disgusting or not, there was a genuine point she was making and it has definitely raised awareness of period-shaming all over the world.

Let’s stop tolerating fat shaming – Do I need to say anything else?

This is why I buy PaperMate pens. – Seriously. This ad is from the same company who tried to sell us pens marketed to women by offering them in pastel shades (lavender or mint) and creating a “thin barrel to fit a woman’s hand.” 









Senior slams a slut-shamer on the London Tube! – She seriously needs a cape!

News of the week – August 7, 2015

Happy Friday everyone! I thought I would try doing a weekly post where I share news stories that I found interesting. Because, why not?! Clearly everyone should be interested in what I’m interested in.

Gender Bias in Publishing – One woman writer’s story of what happened when she submitted the same material as both a woman and a man. Sadly, the results are exactly what you expect.

Donald Trump appeals largely to less educated americans – Duh.

Kermit finally gets out of his physically and emotionally abusive relationship – Hear that single ladies?

Book to screen adaptations – Forget about the weird CW version of Little Women – they’re casting Jennifer Lawrence as Rosie! I don’t know how I feel about this piece of casting. I mean, I love JLaw but I don’t know if she’s right for this role. But I’m just definitely happy they’re going to turn The Rosie Project into a movie. Yippee!!!

Get it together white people! – Probably the most important piece of journalism of our time.

Have a great weekend!!!